Who Are You… and Are You Sure?

“Our concern must be to live while we’re alive…. to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a façade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are.” – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I grew up as a Foreign Service brat. In case you don’t know what that is, that’s the child of a State Department employee who’s stationed in foreign countries.

People always tell me how lucky I was to have had the opportunity to grow up in foreign countries and be exposed to other cultures and learn other languages. And they are completely correct about that. In so many ways it was a tremendous privilege and a blessing to do just that.

But for me, there was a downside. State Department assignments typically last only two or three years, rarely longer. When you move every few years as a child, you repeatedly lose your friends, your neighborhood, your school, your entire environment.

So I was achingly lonely as a child. On the one hand, there was a reluctance to form close relationships because they were inherently short lived – I knew there was always a loss coming. On the other hand, whenever we arrived at a new assignment, I desperately wanted to fit in right away. Anything to not be “the New Kid” for one second longer than I had to be.

You also lose the local culture, meaning not just the culture of the country, but as a child, you lose the local “kid” culture. The New Kid doesn’t know what’s cool now, and the New Kid learns that what was cool in the old place is definitely not in the new place, and even the slang is different.

So I learned how to fit in fast. In other words, I became very good at picking up external cues about who I was supposed to be. What I became lousy at was the ability to hear my own internal voice for very long. I sure couldn’t trust it, because if I listened to that voice, it generally led to the pain of rejection.

And like the Kubler-Ross quote, it became a way of life that was a spiritual living death. I spent pretty much my entire adult life and career trying to conform to what I believed to be the external definitions of who I was supposed to be, whether they were the definitions of my peers, my parents, my wife, my boss, church, whatever.

Notice that these weren’t necessarily others’ actual expectations, just what I perceived them to be. If you think this is a confusing way to live, you’re right. Confusing and frustrating and maddening.

The good news is that I gradually learned to hear my own voice. Just a little at a time at first, then more clearly, until finally, at the age when most people are nearly ready to retire, I finally have gotten clarity on just who I am and what I’m really about. I learned how to distinguish that voice, what the feelings were that accompanied it, and what the feelings were that accompanied the voices of external expectations.

Once that happened, I was able to add a major component to the counseling I had been doing for years. I discovered that a lot of people shared the same inability to hear their own voice and know who they were, though everyone got there by a different route. I don’t run across many fellow Foreign Service brats, but I do meet a lot of people who are struggling with the same basic dynamic.

Until you’re able to really hear your inner voice and line up your life with who you uniquely are, you will be under an unhealthy stress load that is so constant that you may not even be aware of it, because it’s just there, part of the background noise of life.

I had to discover it on my own, and it took me too many years. Don’t wait until you’re ready to retire to discover who you are.

And that’s today’s holistic health tip.

For more information, please go to: http://alturl.com/qjpr

I’d really be interested in any thoughts or comments you may have. Please leave your comments below:

A Thousand Suns

Today’s blog will be very brief. It’s mostly a link to a half hour movie: A Thousand Suns.

It’s about agriculture and spirituality, and civilization (so-called) and evangelical religion. Draw your own conclusions.

And that’s today’s holistic health tip.

For more information, please go to: http://alturl.com/qjpr

I’d really be interested in any thoughts or comments you may have. Please leave your comments below:

I Don’t Care (Hint: You Probably Do)

How we habitually talk is a huge clue to how we think about ourselves, and if we just listen to ourselves, we can learn a lot.

Here are some phrases typical of people who have been abused, controlled, or dominated, either emotionally or physically, and what they reveal:

“Whatever you want.” Means “My desires don’t matter.”

“If it’s not too much trouble.” Means my wanting anything can be a source of trouble.

“I don’t care.” Means it’s not safe to care.

“You decide.” Means I don’t dare.

If you find yourself using phrases like that or others that always put you at the end of the line of life’s choices, you might want to think about it. It could be a clue that you’re in a controlling relationship, and you’re not the one in control.

But what if you find that the people in your life repeatedly use those phrases? Life is a mirror to us. What shows up in our life is a reflection of our thoughts and actions. If those who are close to you are talking like that, it may not be because they’re just being nice. It may be because in their minds, it’s not safe to have wants or preferences of their own. If they’re consistently showing up in your life, such as from a spouse, child, or other relationship, it could be that you’re the controlling (or abusive) one.

Either way, the root cause is fear of some sort.

Fear to stand up for one’s self leads to finding those who will run over you.

On the other hand, fear of what might happen to you can lead to trying to control everything and everyone, because that’s the only way to feel safe, and so you will find those whom you can control.

It’s really a match made in hell.

But either way, there’s help. And a happier, more fulfilled, satisfying life waiting for you. Honest.

And that’s today’s holistic health tip.

For more information, please go to: http://alturl.com/qjpr

I’d really be interested in any thoughts or comments you may have. Please leave your comments below:

Family Reunions

Family reunions can be interesting things.

They provide lots of contrast, for one thing. From the very young to the very old, from single people to married with lots of children, from straight to gay, from all one ethnicity to multiracial, encompassing a variety of religious and spiritual beliefs, and from a variety of income levels.

I enjoyed just such an event this past weekend. In our case, everyone got along, which is not always the case with families. There were people we had never seen before, as well as those to whom we’ve been close all our lives.

It’s always interesting to connect with your inner tribal circle. You learn more about yourself, especially if it’s been some time since you’ve been together. The distance of time sharpens one’s perspective in surprising ways.

To look into another’s eyes that you haven’t seen in years and see a reflection of your own genetic codes can be a spooky and profoundly wonderful experience. To see how not only physical appearances are mixed and remixed through a family, but also personality traits, habits, and ways of relating to others was fascinating to me.

Part of our family culture is genetic. Part of our family culture is learned. And the line between the two can be awfully difficult to draw with any certainty.

Which caused me to wonder about our larger tribes. Thinking about our community, our nation, our human family. Would it be possible to bring that family reunion feeling to these larger tribal structures?

What would it mean if when we looked into the eyes of another we saw not the differences, but our common humanity?

What would it mean if when we could look at one another’s cultures, belief systems, preferences and habits not as differences to be corrected or condemned, but rather as just our own stamp on a facet of human experience that we all share?

Could we ever, as a species, support one another gently with our love and appreciation without trying to control the other? Could we ever learn to appreciate different ways of being as just that, without feeling either threatened or judgmental?

Could we ever learn to do that with our nonhuman family, all children of our Earth Mother?

Judging from the current state of humanity, and the current state of some families, the answer might seem to be no. But I have seen it working in my family, and I know it works just as well in other families.

Maybe we can just start with the awareness that we are a family. An Earth family. After all, we’re all on this beautiful rock together. We can’t all be the same, but we can live together in love, respect and appreciation.

If nothing else, it’s healthier than hate and fear.

And that’s today’s holistic health tip.

For more information, please go to: http://alturl.com/qjpr

I’d really be interested in any thoughts or comments you may have. Please leave your comments below:

The 2012 Vibe

As we approach the year 2012, we’re in a time of awakening. At least that’s what seems to be the vibe. All the spiritually enlightened people are saying so.

Which makes me wonder about extremist religious types, and the havoc they’re causing all across our beautiful little planet. If this is such a time of awakening, why all the hatred and greed and cruelty and war and environmental disaster?

The explanation I hear most often runs something along the lines of “it’s always darkest just before the dawn.” You know, that doesn’t give me a lot of comfort. I’m a little suspicious of that kind of glib cliché. Of course, clichés got to be clichés precisely because they are so often true, so who knows?

What I wonder about is in cosmic terms, how long will it take for the light to arrive? I mean, a thousand years in the eyes of God – or eternity – are as a day. Define “soon.” Does that include in my lifetime? Not that it matters, ultimately, but it would be nice to clearly see the ultimate victory, or next evolutionary step.

I know that as an eternal soul “I’ll” see it, and time will not be what it appears to be now once we are in spirit, but the “I” that is this particular human being in this particular earth body would like to see it. Just a preference, not really a big deal in the great scheme of things.

Another version of all this current doom and catastrophe is that as the negative energy is dying, it is fighting for its life, so naturally it is stepping up its efforts in all out bid for survival. The fact that evil and disasters are so prevalent is therefore supposed to be a good thing. Maybe so. But I’m a little suspicious of that also.

And then there’s the theory that things are not actually getting worse, there’s just better news reporting. Things have always been pretty horrible, and we all just want to think of our own era as special or significant in some way. It gives us a sort of significance to be alive at this time. Kind of like the hush that falls in the room when you say you were near ground zero on 911 (I wasn’t).

So is the world coming to a horrible end or are we on the verge of a great forward leap in evolution, consciousness and universal love?

Here’s my take: I have no idea.

However, here’s part two of my take: I choose to have a cautiously hopeful belief that we are on the verge of something unimaginably exciting in a good way.

And here’s part three of my take on this: no matter what happens “out there” I choose to live with as much love and gentleness and kindness as I can, and clean as much negativity out of my own life as I possibly can, every day of my life, and bring as much positive energy into this world as I am capable of, and to help others who want to do the same.

I don’t really see the point in doing anything else.

Cheers!

And that’s today’s holistic health tip.

I’d really be interested in any thoughts or comments you may have. Please leave your comments below:

How To Feel Better Fast

First, turn off the news.

Seriously.

If it’s significant enough that you really need to know, you’ll find out, trust me. You can only stick your head in the sand for so long before someone grabs you by the neck, yanks you out of your oblivion, and firmly plants a newspaper in your face.

Remember newspapers? Bad news in big letters printed on cheap paper, then lots more bad news in smaller type, and a few still pictures. Remember still pictures?

Anyway.

Here’s the really important part of the instructions to feel better fast.

You’re going to love this, because it’s actually a game.

Before hand held video games, DVD players in the back seat, and before texting, there used to be all kinds of games to keep yourself entertained in the car on a long trip. Other than tattling to your parents that your brother or sister was perpetrating some kind of a monumental injustice on you, I mean.

Games that involved being the first to spot the most different state license plates. Or blue cars. Or Oldsmobiles. Remember Oldsmobiles? Or finding things out the car window that begin with the letter “r”. Or even that great classic, wondering who stole the cookie from the cookie jar.

The great thing about this game is that you can play it by yourself or with someone else, either way it’s great.

The game is called “Look For Things You Like.” The rules are pretty much contained in the title. You can make this a competitive game, but in the competitive version you aren’t allowed to lie and say you like something if you really don’t. You can add your own twists, for instance: the first person to say they don’t like something, including what another person said they liked, loses. After all the idea is to seek out and point out things you do like…

At first this game sounds about as lame as the other classic car traveling games I mentioned, but a funny thing starts to happen as you play this game. The whole mood begins to change. Things start to feel lighter, and you begin to notice that life actually starts to feel good. You find yourself smiling, and not just because someone said something dumb.

And then you really start to feel good. And the more you play it, the better you feel.

Now here’s the best part: you don’t have to wait until you’re in the car. It’s a great solo game, and you can start playing the game as soon as you wake up, and play it all day long. You can play it at work even if no-one else knows. (Maybe especially if no-one else knows.) You can secretly play it with your kids. You can play it with your spouse even if your spouse doesn’t know you’re playing it.

The results can be… deeply gratifying.

And that’s today’s holistic health tip.

I’d really be interested in any thoughts or comments you may have. Please leave your comments below:

Dull Heroes

They live in a middle class neighborhood, not upper middle, but solidly middle, drive cars that are a few years old, and have houses pretty much like everybody else’s on the block.

But they’re millionaires.

There was a book a few years ago, when a million dollars was closer to a million dollars, by the name “The Millionaire Next Door.” If I remember right, it told a story of how most of America’s millionaires aren’t the Donald Trump, superstar, mansion and jet set crowd. They’re the regular folks next door, who disciplined themselves. Worked hard, spent less than they made, and saved while living a modest lifestyle.

But that’s dull. No excitement there.

So you won’t see that on TV. There are few role models for this kind of behavior. Instead, the role models glorify conspicuous consumption, as if that ever made anyone happy. Conspicuous consumption can give you some temporary fun, but not lasting happiness. It’s like a drug. You always need another fix.

Real happiness is an inside job.

And so we have generation after generation brought up on the false premise that more stuff will get you more happiness, and if you have to go into debt to get your stuff, so what? Just get the stuff, man, and everything will be cool.

Even churches have gotten into the act, promoting a prosperity gospel that while not necessarily bad intrinsically, often seems to use the same superficial markers of high living as a measure of success. Only in this case, it’s worse, because wealth becomes a measure of spiritual success.

At least the rich and famous bunch make no bones that it’s about bling.

Then we wonder why we have a financial crisis.

It seems to me that the perceived rewards of doing well financially shouldn’t necessarily be who can gather the most, or spend the most recklessly. I don’t think that leads to peace of mind and a healthy body or a healthy world.

I’d love to see the millionaires next door celebrated. It’s not like there’s a shortage of them – the ones who take care of their families, and do good by helping others.

We need new heroes.

And that’s today’s holistic health tip.

I’d really be interested in any thoughts or comments you may have. Please leave your comments below: